The Mental Lookbook

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21. Coffee-drinking, Marketing major. A fan of abstract art , menswear, lemonade, and the color brown.

Lol thank you. I should probably make more text posts than I do, but all the interesting ones end up abandoned halfway through or in my drafts aha

On the internet, humor is the ultimate eraser.

You hear complaints and write them off as being whiny. You want them to suck it up.

They tell you over and over “we must do something differently”, you briefly acknowledge the problem “I want to do things differently”. They take your want for you actually doing something. They leave you alone about it, that’s what you really want.

Weeks later they come to you again. You get mad because you really don’t want to do anything, you’re fine with them suffering as long as you benefit. You suffer too, but they suffer more so you’re content.

"I said I WANT to do something about it!" You exaggerate roadblocks that in reality can be easily overcome. They leave you alone again. You’re happy to avoid the subject once more. You’re afraid to ask if they’re happy anymore.

They become uninterested in you because you can’t seem to keep your word and continue to give them false hope. They leave. You underestimated how important the problem was and now you wish you had solved the problem in its early stages.

"I thought they were fine with the way things were…" you think. Looking back you realize how greedy you were and how undeserving you were of their time. You want them back but they’ve moved on to someone who satisfies their needs and wants. And you’re left alone with all the things you thought you wanted, all the things you ignored them to get. Cruel reminders of your own selfishness.


Frank Ocean

I’ve had two dreams this week about someone cutting off all of my hair. I wish I could go to my barbershop in confidence, but over the years they’ve completely lost my trust according to these dreams, and it shouldn’t be that way. After that last dream, I’d honestly feel more comfortable cutting my own hair or asking my girlfriend to do it because I know what I want and I know Corinza will actually listen to me. I’m that scared that they’re going to fuck up.

The thing about the barbershop that I go to is that they dont listen. The owner is old and set in his ways, so as you explain what you want done he acts like he’s listening, makes it seem like he understands, then does his own variation of what you want. His haircuts are the closest to perfection though.

His nephew talks way more than he listens. He’s so intent on starting arguments with religious or political commentary and being the point of focus in the barbershop that he rushes through the cut to focus on what he’s saying. One day he nearly cut me bald because he wasn’t paying attention while arguing with some guy over how to save the black community.

My old barber was literally the best in the shop. He would have lines while the other two would be chilling  in their own chairs eating or something. He got it right every time and if he didn’t get it right one time, you can guarantee he would get it right the next time and exceed your expectations to make up for the previous time. People would travel from across the state just for him to cut their hair.

Unfortunately, he randomly developed a drug addiction (the owner believes his nephew got him hooked) and lost everything. His position in the shop, his clientele, and he probably also lost his chance at owning the shop once the owner retires.

With all that being said, I REALLY need them to get it right this time because I haven’t been this happy with my hair in a long time and I’d like to develop it and see where it goes within a year.

My clothes feel worn past their usefulness. 

I haven’t listened to any good music in months.

My hair feels like it doesn’t belong to me.

I’m doing so much between work, school, and my reelationships now that I’m forgetting to take care of myself.

I have to stop doing enough to get by from day to day and start caring about myself again. I don’t mean hygiene wise, I mean caring about my appearance, to myself and others. Both physical and non-physical.

I talked to Corinza about not wanting time to myself earlier and I realize that’s not what I want at all. There was a time where I spent every day virtually by myself and I miss that.

I talked to my Mom about saying “No” to people about an hour ago. I always want to feel so included that I say “yes” to everything, even when my mind is screaming that I don’t want to.

So I’m going back to the spending on things that I feel that I need. I’m going back to spending time to myself. I’m going to regain that sense of myself and the way others see me that I’ve lost.